Acta Est Fabula

Success!

A new personal best by 7 minutes... again!

My 4 marathon times to date, in order, have been: 3:59, 3:52, 3:45, and now 3:38!! (So all I need to do to qualify for Boston is run 4 more marathons...)

It really could not have gone any better. Feast your stats-lovin' eyes on these splits:


I absolutely powered home. I felt like a million bucks. At the end I reckon I could have run, like, another 100 feet, at least. It was so satisfying, after all this prep, to be picking off all the dead soldiers, all the walking-wounded, and the zombie runners who had passed me (or not) earlier in the race. I couldn't resist whispering: "paleolithic diet motherfucker" as I pounded past them like the powerful paleolithic prick I am.

The conditions for The Avenue of the Giants Marathon were perfect. It had been raining quite heavily leading up to the start, but stopped just in time. As a result the forest was freshly rinsed, and the air quality was perfection. To boot the temperature was an ideal 54 degrees. Running through those magnificent ancient trees is a truly uplifting spiritual experience... I'm told. (I just imagined I saw the flicker of dinner in the distance, between the trees, and that I had a spear at the ready, and a hungry grubby family waiting back in the cave.)

My half-way split was the slowest of any marathon I've done, at 1:51. So also for the first time in a marathon I had a bitchin' negative split; -4 minutes! (thanks in no small way, I reckon, to veal livers.)

Here's where it starts to get freakydeaky. When I was done I strolled over to the food tent. On offer were bananas, oranges, bagels and corn chips. I was expecting to fall upon them like a rabid mongoose, but I didn't. I couldn't. I couldn't eat the carbs. They just didn't appeal... I stood there wryly chewing on my 'nanas and oranges, silently pouring scorn and derision on the bagel-eaters.

The transformation is complete. I am Paleo Man! Raaaaaaaarrrrr!

Well... that lasted until Emma pulled out her Peanut Butter Fudge Bars, and then I ate like 10 of those. Fuck they're good! I could feel the sugar coursing through my veins, making my skin all prickly and my eyeballs bulge out like this...









I never did get that cheeseburger. Maybe this week I'll go for one, if I have time... I think I need to ease into it, with a little time to reflect. I had oatmeal for breakfast this morning, but it wasn't without a little poignancy and nostalgia [that was quick! -Ed], that I solemnly dribbled some half'n'half into my coffee at the coffee shop...

Epilogue

I'll post some photos when they come in. Also of note, Emma ran it (her first marathon) in 3:30, thereby qualifying for Boston. Outstanding! A star is born!

End of Days

Well my friends, even if I blow out and run a 4 hour marathon... ahem... it will all be over in 24 hours. The official end of this paleolithic diet experiment. It has touched me in a profound way, brought me new friends, new muscles, taught me to cook, and, yes, it's true... made my erections longer and stronger. Oh wait, that might be something else.

But a new day is dawning my friendshhhh. Tomorrow we learn to sow and harvest the seed, and we run through the ancient and majestic Redwood trees, back into the Neolithic Age (and a cheeseburger the size of my fookin' head!).

I won't forget you Og and Ug, and I'll miss you most of all Scarecrow!

I spent today in preparation, obviously. As there is only a Pizza/Pasta restaurant in Legget, CA, I made my dinner for later too.

Lunch today was a cobbish salad. Spinach, walnuts, avo, tomato, egg, tiny bit of bacon, celery, carrots, lemon juice and flaxseed oil.

Dinner tonight is my highly-experimental (what could possibly go wrong?!) stew. On Steve's advice I've chucked in some sweet potatie and a wee turnip, to top off my meat-hammers with Glycogen. [Other ingredients include: veal livers, bacon, onion, garlic, portobello mushroom, carrots, zucchini.] It smells like Christmas!

Okay folks, there probably won't be a post tomorrow, but I'll be sure to conclude the blog on Monday... and start looking for my next ridiculous thing to blog about.

"Avenue of the Giants Marathon! Here I come bitch!!!... cough."

A Better Life Through Chemicals

Less than 48 hours until the gun! Aaaghh!

Lots to report.

Owing to the weather forecast we completely bailed on camping. I spent a couple of hours yesterday calling every motel within 50 miles of Weott, CA. At long last I got hold of a room, one room (for 4 people) about 45 miles south of the marathon.

As my friend Jade put it so eloquently: "Camping in the rain is bad. Running a marathon in the rain is bad. But running a marathon in the rain after camping in the rain... well... that absolutely sucks donkey balls." I completely agree.

So we're going to leg it to Leggett, CA, and stay the night there before the race. Mike, the proprieter of Stonegate Villas, insisted the way his old knee injury is playing up means it's going to rain on Saturday, but stop for the marathon itself. Bonus!

I am very relieved to have secured a room, and that it's not going to rain for the marathon... also I am feeling a lot better, just the cough and blocked Eustachian tubes remain. I even went to hard-core yoga today. I know, I know, I'm not meant to... but I drank a whole jar of Accelerade™ afterward, and ate a cup of magical raisins, so I should be fine.

In an interesting side-note, I talked to my parents (in NZ) last night. They called to wish me well for the marathon (see! they DO love me!). My step-dad is an ENT (more commonly known as an Otorhinolaryngologist). He said the trouble with the Eustachian tubes may well be due to dramatic weight-loss, as the ETs are supported by head fat. He also suggested I lie on my side and squirt nasal spray up my nose to get to the affected regions. Tricks are always welcome!

So, without further ado I initiated my Heuristic Ultimate Marathon Preparation System.

First of all I prepared my Sweatproof Travelsize Easy-Rip-Open Ibuprofen Drug Sacks. It can really help to suck down a few of these at about mile 20, I've found, if only to quiet the demons. However, because I sweat so much I've found no place on my clothing or person to be free from the creeping wetness. I need some way to keep them dry, that is compact and easy to get to...

How To Make S.T.E.R.O.I.D.S.:

First you take a length of clear Scotch™ tape, sticky side up, then put a smaller piece on top, sticky side down, to make a sort of folding wallet... here's a picture:


The notch makes it easy to open with wet cold partially-paralyzed hands.

The rest of my H.U.M.P.S. is top secret. Actually, not really, but I can't be bothered posting it all. There are many other foods and chemicals involved, like raisins, Vaseline™, and Ca₂S0₄

As a special treat for all you sick puppies I took a photo of my foot. You can clearly see the death, the rot and the entropy that a lot of running has wrought upon my hooves. Because it's kinda gnarly I haven't embedded the photo, you click on a link if you want to see it...

Click here if you want to see my manky foot you sick little fucker!