Epic Epilogue

I thought I'd write a little recap of the whole Paleo Diet experiment, now that it's been over for a couple of months, just like, looking back...

I've very much incorporated what I learned on the PD into my life, (except the rivers of beer) although I haven't been sticking to it absolutely. However, it has had a significant effect on the food choices I make every day. I now eat fruit, eggs, berries and nuts for breakfast, where previously I ate oatmeal.

I have salads for lunch most days and if I go out and get a burrito, I get the no-rice no-beans variety, which is chokka with veges. Yum! I've actually noticed the few times I've really strayed, like when I ate a huge regular burrito, or wolfed down half a bag of chips, I've felt like shit anyway, so it's not hard to avoid. I've also noticed that it's simple carbs that give acid reflux, not necessarily spicy or rich foods.

Speaking of reflux I have a very embarrassing confession to make! The third night into the diet I wet the bed. Yes, like big time GI. Like I drained my bladder into my lovely mattress. I didn't admit it at the time because I was embarrassed and wanted to see if it was the onset of old-age.

It only happened once. It must have been something to do with the shock to my system. Cool huh?! I thought it was kinda cool. It's not every day you do something so extreme it makes you soil yourself in the sack.

As promised here is a photo from the marathon.

Acta Est Fabula

Success!

A new personal best by 7 minutes... again!

My 4 marathon times to date, in order, have been: 3:59, 3:52, 3:45, and now 3:38!! (So all I need to do to qualify for Boston is run 4 more marathons...)

It really could not have gone any better. Feast your stats-lovin' eyes on these splits:


I absolutely powered home. I felt like a million bucks. At the end I reckon I could have run, like, another 100 feet, at least. It was so satisfying, after all this prep, to be picking off all the dead soldiers, all the walking-wounded, and the zombie runners who had passed me (or not) earlier in the race. I couldn't resist whispering: "paleolithic diet motherfucker" as I pounded past them like the powerful paleolithic prick I am.

The conditions for The Avenue of the Giants Marathon were perfect. It had been raining quite heavily leading up to the start, but stopped just in time. As a result the forest was freshly rinsed, and the air quality was perfection. To boot the temperature was an ideal 54 degrees. Running through those magnificent ancient trees is a truly uplifting spiritual experience... I'm told. (I just imagined I saw the flicker of dinner in the distance, between the trees, and that I had a spear at the ready, and a hungry grubby family waiting back in the cave.)

My half-way split was the slowest of any marathon I've done, at 1:51. So also for the first time in a marathon I had a bitchin' negative split; -4 minutes! (thanks in no small way, I reckon, to veal livers.)

Here's where it starts to get freakydeaky. When I was done I strolled over to the food tent. On offer were bananas, oranges, bagels and corn chips. I was expecting to fall upon them like a rabid mongoose, but I didn't. I couldn't. I couldn't eat the carbs. They just didn't appeal... I stood there wryly chewing on my 'nanas and oranges, silently pouring scorn and derision on the bagel-eaters.

The transformation is complete. I am Paleo Man! Raaaaaaaarrrrr!

Well... that lasted until Emma pulled out her Peanut Butter Fudge Bars, and then I ate like 10 of those. Fuck they're good! I could feel the sugar coursing through my veins, making my skin all prickly and my eyeballs bulge out like this...









I never did get that cheeseburger. Maybe this week I'll go for one, if I have time... I think I need to ease into it, with a little time to reflect. I had oatmeal for breakfast this morning, but it wasn't without a little poignancy and nostalgia [that was quick! -Ed], that I solemnly dribbled some half'n'half into my coffee at the coffee shop...

Epilogue

I'll post some photos when they come in. Also of note, Emma ran it (her first marathon) in 3:30, thereby qualifying for Boston. Outstanding! A star is born!

End of Days

Well my friends, even if I blow out and run a 4 hour marathon... ahem... it will all be over in 24 hours. The official end of this paleolithic diet experiment. It has touched me in a profound way, brought me new friends, new muscles, taught me to cook, and, yes, it's true... made my erections longer and stronger. Oh wait, that might be something else.

But a new day is dawning my friendshhhh. Tomorrow we learn to sow and harvest the seed, and we run through the ancient and majestic Redwood trees, back into the Neolithic Age (and a cheeseburger the size of my fookin' head!).

I won't forget you Og and Ug, and I'll miss you most of all Scarecrow!

I spent today in preparation, obviously. As there is only a Pizza/Pasta restaurant in Legget, CA, I made my dinner for later too.

Lunch today was a cobbish salad. Spinach, walnuts, avo, tomato, egg, tiny bit of bacon, celery, carrots, lemon juice and flaxseed oil.

Dinner tonight is my highly-experimental (what could possibly go wrong?!) stew. On Steve's advice I've chucked in some sweet potatie and a wee turnip, to top off my meat-hammers with Glycogen. [Other ingredients include: veal livers, bacon, onion, garlic, portobello mushroom, carrots, zucchini.] It smells like Christmas!

Okay folks, there probably won't be a post tomorrow, but I'll be sure to conclude the blog on Monday... and start looking for my next ridiculous thing to blog about.

"Avenue of the Giants Marathon! Here I come bitch!!!... cough."

A Better Life Through Chemicals

Less than 48 hours until the gun! Aaaghh!

Lots to report.

Owing to the weather forecast we completely bailed on camping. I spent a couple of hours yesterday calling every motel within 50 miles of Weott, CA. At long last I got hold of a room, one room (for 4 people) about 45 miles south of the marathon.

As my friend Jade put it so eloquently: "Camping in the rain is bad. Running a marathon in the rain is bad. But running a marathon in the rain after camping in the rain... well... that absolutely sucks donkey balls." I completely agree.

So we're going to leg it to Leggett, CA, and stay the night there before the race. Mike, the proprieter of Stonegate Villas, insisted the way his old knee injury is playing up means it's going to rain on Saturday, but stop for the marathon itself. Bonus!

I am very relieved to have secured a room, and that it's not going to rain for the marathon... also I am feeling a lot better, just the cough and blocked Eustachian tubes remain. I even went to hard-core yoga today. I know, I know, I'm not meant to... but I drank a whole jar of Accelerade™ afterward, and ate a cup of magical raisins, so I should be fine.

In an interesting side-note, I talked to my parents (in NZ) last night. They called to wish me well for the marathon (see! they DO love me!). My step-dad is an ENT (more commonly known as an Otorhinolaryngologist). He said the trouble with the Eustachian tubes may well be due to dramatic weight-loss, as the ETs are supported by head fat. He also suggested I lie on my side and squirt nasal spray up my nose to get to the affected regions. Tricks are always welcome!

So, without further ado I initiated my Heuristic Ultimate Marathon Preparation System.

First of all I prepared my Sweatproof Travelsize Easy-Rip-Open Ibuprofen Drug Sacks. It can really help to suck down a few of these at about mile 20, I've found, if only to quiet the demons. However, because I sweat so much I've found no place on my clothing or person to be free from the creeping wetness. I need some way to keep them dry, that is compact and easy to get to...

How To Make S.T.E.R.O.I.D.S.:

First you take a length of clear Scotch™ tape, sticky side up, then put a smaller piece on top, sticky side down, to make a sort of folding wallet... here's a picture:


The notch makes it easy to open with wet cold partially-paralyzed hands.

The rest of my H.U.M.P.S. is top secret. Actually, not really, but I can't be bothered posting it all. There are many other foods and chemicals involved, like raisins, Vaseline™, and Ca₂S0₄

As a special treat for all you sick puppies I took a photo of my foot. You can clearly see the death, the rot and the entropy that a lot of running has wrought upon my hooves. Because it's kinda gnarly I haven't embedded the photo, you click on a link if you want to see it...

Click here if you want to see my manky foot you sick little fucker!

Euro Soup Tour

First let me note that in the last 24 hours, the chance of rain for the marathon has gone from 60% to 70%. Oh joy! I am feeling better, but my hacking homeless-man cough has not abated.

So, as you know, last night Emma very graciously made a paleolithic dinner for us at her new abode. It was awesome! (Even though I had to bring my own spoon). We had Moroccan Carrots, French Onion Soup and leeks with other stuff in it. I love leeks.

It was all very tasty, with seasoning and flavor and stuff.


Here is a picture of Emma smooshing the leeks into the serving bowl, from her suspiciously misshapen frying pan. (Personally, I think she beat the shit out of someone with it.)

In Summary

I feel much better today, but I'm definitely still ailin'. My Eustachian tubes are blocked and I'm really quite deaf. WHAT?

I somewhat speculatively went to yoga, but got quite dizzy and got cold sweats and cramps throughout. The funny thing about yoga is you can make it as hard or easy as you want (when you're a pro like me) and I sailed through Power Lunch. I wasn't really 'there'. I was sort of a disinterested passenger. I watched myself sweat a little, but I felt cold and aloof. Like a fly on the wall. Like a ship passing in the night. Like a tired night-shift worker dozing on the 22 bus. Like a... [FOR GODSAKES SHUT UP! - Ed]

So the winding down part of this diet and the marathon training is in full effect. I'm still going totally paleo, and it's amazing to think that I'm going to run a marathon on Sunday, without eating any carbs first... I know I can do it though. I've been eating fruit for breakfast, salads for lunch, and meat and veges for dinner, every day this week. My appetite seems insatiable, even though I haven't run since Sunday. I just need to get over this dreaded lurgie and the accompanying weakness of body and spirit.

Incidentally, the weather forecast for The Avenue of the Giants Marathon (and we're camping the night before) is RAIN! This could be a world of hurt.

I've decided that on the way back from the marathon we'll stop at a nice country diner somewhere and I'll order a cheeseburger with fries. Can you imagine it?! 7 weeks of paleo diet, then a wet marathon... followed by a great gorging on the forbidden fruits of the fabled cheeseburger.

I will video myself eating it.

It will be no less than xxx-rated food pornography.

I'm thinking about it right now...

In other news, Emma has offered to make a Paleolithic meal for me tonight! Tres bueno! Do you think it's rude to photograph a meal someone has prepared for you?

Yes, so do I.

Stand by for photos.

Blaaaaghh!

This is such a bummer. I'm like totally, like, sick like. It's tortuous, just sitting around constantly blowing my nose, feeling achy, dizzy, looking outside at the nice day. Aaaaagh! Tapering week is usually fairly frustrating anyway, but this is awful.

At least I know it's not swine flu, because I have all the symptoms of swine flu but one. 'Loss of appetite'.

I have not lost my appetite. In fact I need to go out for food. Last night I was forced to eat cabbage and kale with sardines on top. Mercifully, there is no photo. Just a lingering aroma.

It's funny to think that my last week of preparation for a marathon entails lying in bed for a week, wallowing in self-pity, and not eating any carbs. It's the kind of thing from which legends are made.

I will probably win this marathon.

Ha, I just started laughing which then started a coughing fit.

Okay, I'm gonna get up and shower, I smell like old sweat and sardines and haven't shaved for a week. Maybe that girl is at the coffee shop again...

Swine Flu

I am sick. I expect it's swine flu because I have been eating crazy amounts of pork. With 6 days until the marathon this is cutting it a bit fine. 6 days to recover [or die? -Ed].

I went for a 10 mile run yesterday, after the 1 miler in the morning. It was actually okay, but when I woke up this morning I was really sick, like in all the other previously-unaffected places; head, sinuses, throat, meat hammers, soul.

I prescribed myself antibiotics, from my mega-stash in the freezer, but they are yet to have an effect. Need some pills? Pills? Pills? Get your pills here, cheap!

So this week, the last downward slide to the marathon, and the end of the Paleolithic Diet, I'm gonna take it easy. Not work too hard, get lots of sleep and drink lots of tea. Oh wait, that's what I normally do. Maybe I won't run so much either.

Consumption today: 1 banana, 1 egg, 1 orange, pills, coffee, sinus squirter.

P.S. Today at the coffee shop I talked to a cute girl. It went very well. First I sat there for ages saying to myself 'Go talk to her you WUSS'. I think that helped. Also she had a shirt with "I ♥ RUNNERS" on it. Like a lamb to the slaughter!

I was at a big disadvantage, I haven't shaved in 6 days, I am sick, and I just woke up.

I think I only mildly freaked her out. This is definitely an improvement.

The B'Fasts Are Back

Our running club-within-a-club, the esteemed B'Fasts, had their first really solid turn-out of the year, for the DSE Golden Gate Park 1-mile and 3 mile races. I only did the 1 miler, because I have a chest infection and I felt awful afterward. The others went on to run the 3 miler as well. Emma won the womens' race by a country mile!

	Emma demonstrates her patented 'egg-beater' running technique. Hey, it works!
	Lafe runs with mirth.
	Lafe congratulates Big Daddy (Krumme) with a fine finish
	Big Daddy takes a breather.
	Emma receiving her first place award!

I can't believe there's only a week left until this marathon.... I'd better get over this chesty thing soon.

Sorry I didn't post yesterday, it was a slow news day. I took a rest due to illness, and spent the evening drinking tea and reading a book. Yawn!

Chitown

Wow! I thought it was going to be cheaper but I had no idea by how much! Just look at these prices...


Do you know how much dried pilchard go for in Pac Heights?! Neither do I, but the veges are about 1/10th the price.

I bought a plethora of fresh produce, two huge nutsacks, and some weird Chinese dried meats and fruit. The nuts were a staggering $2.99 a pound. Compare to $12.99 a pound at Molly Stones.


So I'll admit I was a bit concerned about the dubious hygiene standards, particularly of the nuts. They were in big bins and you just scooped them out with your hands.

Having no idea how many Chinese people have fondled my nuts, I set about steaming them clean when I got home.


With all the money I saved I was able to buy this hilarious Chinese novelty! Motion-Detecting Farty Man!

Oh and I couldn't resist taking a touristy self-portrait... but I kinda missed.

Have You Had A Mouthful Of 'Nip Lately?

I think tomorrow I'm going to do a Paleolithic Tour of Chinatown. Biking through yesterday I noticed their produce is hella cheap, compared to over here in Pac Heights. And it's less than 1 mile away! Compare broccoli at $4.99 a pound here, to 79c a pound there! Craziness! Why am I paying white man prices? Sucka fool me!

Also I reckon there are probably some really exciting meats and veges hanging around Chinatown that I haven't yet eaten... don't ya think? Peking Duck anyone? Anyway, we'll find out tomorrow, stay tuned (both of you).

I don't know why I've suddenly got so price-conscious, it's not like I'm not totally loaded, I guess it's just fun. Case in point; today I bought a 'club roast', because it was on special. I didn't have a clue what it was, or what to do with it. So I put it in the oven, at 375 degrees, until I started to doubt myself.

This didn't take long, so it was nice and rare. I ate it with kale, broccoli, carrots and turnips. Which brings me to the title of today's post. OMG turnips are sensational! Steam 'em up good, then drizzle with some EVOO and sprinkle with salt and pepper. Fuck me they are beeaaauuutiful! Mmm MMM!

In other news, I have this pair of jeans that are really really small (I bought them when I was anorexic because a girl dumped me - my weight was the only thing in my life I felt I could control - oh wait, you know what anorexia is, sorry). So, I only keep these jeans because they're 7s and I lend them to girls when they need something other than their clothes from the night before to go home in. So I had them out the other day (not coz I scored - paleolithic men had surprisingly lame sex-lives, I'm discovering) but because I wanted to see how they fit after 5 weeks on this diet.

So they're really little right? Well blow me down if the waist fit no problem at all! But get this, are you sitting down? I couldn't get my thighs in!!!! Can you believe it? I've muscled up so much on this diet that my thighs have turned into big burly meat hammers! They won't fit into the thigh-holes of my skinny jeans! Haha!

I had a good laugh at that. Then I fell over.

Okay, Chinatown tomorrow baby, we're going down!

Aaaaaaaaaah, That's Better!

Mental health day really helped! I feel like a million Turkish lira today! I feel rested, revitalized, and almost totally sane!

I got up early, sprang out of bed and cooked up a big feed of bacon and eggs. Then I leaped on my bike and headed for the train station.

Check out this guy (this is not me) who fell asleep on the train.


He probably had a lot of carbs for breakfast. What a loser!

I'm going to head back home soon, having fulfilled my weekly attendance obligation. I'm planning to go for a run and hit a late yoga class. Booya!

Sometimes you really need to just take a rest. (But not on the train, loser!)

Mental Health Day

I feel like shit today. Totally lethargic. I don't know what it is, the heat probably. I really hate it. I couldn't sleep a wink last night. I'm taking a Mental Health Day. I usually go down to work on Tuesdays, but the boss called last night and put it off until tomorrow. He has to take his wife into hospital. She has really bad cancer. This sucks. She needs horrendous operations and chemo. The statistics do not bode well. My boss and his wife have been amazing to me over the years, and they're really lovely people. How lovely? Check this out...

A long time ago, in a land far far away (Palo Alto) I had a really psycho girlfriend [Is there any other kind? - Ed]... [Yes! - James]

"How psycho?" You say... as you shift a little forward in your chair...

Well, she used to get really really really drunk, really often, and throw tantrums where she threw all the stuff out of her purse and smashed it, hit herself, me, pulled her hair out, and screamed at cops that they were "F&^%ing Douchebags" [She had a point there, at least in Palo Alto...]

I never knew what to do because I was a silly little country boy and didn't realize that it was all a show, so I would call my boss, and his wife, in a state, and they would drive from Mountain View, at 3 in the morning, pick her up, take her back to their place, and have her spend the night. They did this multiple times, and were always amaaaaazing about it.

They also had a big-picture plan for me, and saw to it that I learned what was going on, without ever pushing me. For that I am the most grateful. They were downright parental, with that and a lot of other stuff.

In no small way I have them to thank for the emotional development that has made the paragon of maturity who stands before you today... *cough*.

Cancer sucks, yeah? Yeah.

So, Mental Health Day. I guess what I'm really saying is that I skipped yoga today, will probably skip my run, and I just ate a big salad with bacon and avocado.

If that's not a Mental Health Day then I'm Boutros Boutros-Ghali.

Heatwave!

It's almost 100 degrees here today. Craziness. The sweat was pissing out of my armpits and running down my face and up my nose at yoga (downward dog). I was totally pitting out before we even started. All the MILFs were glowing to boot. By the end of the class it looked like I had slaughtered a goat (but one with sweat for blood) on my mat.

I'm meant to do a run today, because, well, it's a day. But I don't know if I can. It's too hot for my Irish genes. I come from small hairy stock, who were designed to scratch out an existence and survive tough winters in damp caves. I can't handle this California heat. Woe is me!

Katie's Birthday Party - Reader Discretion Advised - Implied Nudity

Today's post has been canceled due to acetaldehyde poisoning. Owwwww.

It all started when...

Everything goes wavy and we are transported back to last night, about 8pm...

(((
))) wooo woooo woooo
(((

...I turned up at Katie's Birthday Party in the Marina. Actually, immediately prior to that I discovered walking down Buchanan Street with leather-soled shoes and a bottle of wine is EXTREMELY hazardous. Fortunately I am a highly-skilled skier!

So, I was at Katie's Birthday party, which was super fun.

Consumption: 2 glasses Veuve Cliquot, 1 beer. 3 bacon-wrapped dates. (Token effort to keep this blog on-topic)

I had a good chat with Rob, at the conclusion of which we decided to try being friends in real life, not just on Facebook. I also met Barry, from the Irish consulate, who invited me to the big Irish Consulate Lion's Rugby Tour Party at Harding Park, after we bonded about being Irish and shit! Sweeeeeeeeet! Jealous? Huh? Huh? You don't know what that is, do you? Well, you should be jealous anyway.

Then we went to The Tipsy Pig and the drinking began in earnest.

Consumption: 3 x 20oz Stella Artwaaa

Highlights of this foray into Marina Central: Running into friend Chad, who got engaged last week. Katie flashing her boobs.

Oh yes, it's high-brow.

Then it starts to get a little hazy... and as so often happens, I ended up going to a party in Nob Hill with 4 Indian dudes (don't worry, I recruited them for the cricket club) where all the girls and boys were in their underwear and nothing else!

Vivek, bless him, naively insisted it was a swinger's party. I pointed out that it clearly wasn't, due to the vertical orientation of all guests. I think lingerie is just the latest craze in party themes... togas are apparently passé.

A quick downward glance confirmed I was wearing my best pair of striped jockey bikini briefs, whereupon I dissolved into the melee like a paleolithic chameleon not in wolf's clothing.

Consumption: 3 random party drinks made in the dark

)))
((( Everything goes I-think-I'm-gonna-hurl wavy
)))

I woke up, at home. Intact, alone, hungover, but with all my possessions! (and clothes). There you have it. Miraculous.

Don't Put Ginger in Turkey Burgers, Son

I ran out of onion and decided to try putting fresh chopped ginger in my turkey burgers today. BLEH! It was nasty.


Looked good, tasted like rectum, but I chowed it down anyway.

It's a belter day! Unfortunately I spent most of the morning working on my Cricket Club Website; the executive committee decided the banner needed a 'picture in it'. Thank god for committees...

In other news, I went to The Hidden Vine last night, wine bar in Nob Hill. Loved it. TALK about ambiance! Strewth! Ambiance for Africa!

Okay, it's one of those weekends in San Francisco that can define a lifetime, so I'd better go out running with no shirt on. Out!

Long Run Done

I had a 20 mile run looming large on my schedule for this weekend, which was hanging over me like the proverbial Sword of Damocles. So, on a whim yesterday, I decided to do it! Boy was it tough! After yoga, and a delicious chicken salad, I set out in full endurance garb. This consists of Camelbak, MP3 player, with all my mash-ups (I taped the earbuds onto my ears with band-aids - cool!). Paisley bandanna - carefully selected to match my shorts, GPS unit, Zildjian wristbands and my aviator sunnies. A quick check in the mirror confirmed I looked like a total douchebag, so I was ready to go!

The first 5 miles were into a strong head wind, and it was as cold as a witch's tit! Actually the whole thing was reeeally tough, and I attribute my success to A) the paleolithic diet, and B) the fact that I'm well 'ard.

In other news, Molly Stone's were having a super mega sale on PORK loins, so I bought all 20 lbs of them... look what you can do with 20 lbs of pork loins! Fun!


All the long runs done, and only a little over 2 weeks until the marathon, and the end of the Paleolithic Diet Experiment!

It's changed me though, it really has.

Teeth

It dawned on me last night that this diet must be way better for my teeth. I usually have really sensitive teeth, which are constantly giving me gyp, especially when I floss. But they are nowhere near as sensitive any more! Isn't that great?!

In other news, today's snack turned out to be like totally eviler than yesterday's. Freaky!

Evils Nacks

I prepared myself a tasty Paleo snack today. When I sat down to eat it (between breakfast and lunch) it struck me that it looked kinda like an evil owl [Is there any other kind? - Ed].

What do you reckon?



After consuming evil owl I did some napkin calculations and realized I'm eating about 4,500 calories each day. ¡Que bueno!

Nut Habit

So I did some math(s) today while I was at work (don't worry, it wasn't work-related) and concluded that I may have a slight Nut Habit...

Walnuts = 182 Calories per ounce

Almonds = 163 C.oz^-1

Brazilians = 184 "

That means the 4 lbs of nuts I have eaten in the last week come to about 11,000 calories, or five and half days of a regular 2000 calorie diet. Not bad for just between-meal snacking! [No wonder you have stayed so fat you fat cow! - Ed]

Today I went to Togo's for lunch. I got them to make me a Hold The Cheese and Dressing and Add 4oz of Roast Beef to a Cobb Salad Por Favor. They think I'm very strange.

Beauty!

It's actually been a pretty rough day. First I found out that my boss's wife (who has been super fantastic to me for the last ten years and I love dearly) is very ill... then on the way home I got attacked by a crazy woman in the Broadway tunnel... then before yoga I ran into my ex, who looked disconcertingly attractive and happy... then at yoga I fell out of headstand and kicked a girl in the head, causing her to scream and totally disrupt my concentration!

What a day! Jesus. There's only one thing that will make it better... that's right! A very carefully constructed meal of Turkey Burgers!!

Weekend Catchup - With Video!

Wow, there's a lot to post! I had a very busy Paleolithic weekend, full of food, photos, fauna, fallacious festivals, and ffff.... fffff.... tranny nuns.

Luckily going into the weekend I had eaten liver 3 times in a row, so I was supercharged with organ-meat power!


Yesterday, Easter Sunday, I went for a run, then hit Dolores Park for the Hunky Jesus Competition! Urban Tribe member Matt entered, with 2 sheep and the cutest donkey I've ever seen, as Livestock Jesus. Although on the day it seemed he was beaten by 'Brokeback Jesus' (who dragged out the old tired gay cowboy/assless chaps theme, and thereby secured the essential gay vote) some sources are crediting him with the win... intriguing...

Here's a video of The Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence announcing his arrival on stage.

Rudy the Donkey and me.

After the festivities we returned to Jesus' place for a BBQ, where I broke quite a few Paleolithic rules. I ate some tortilla chips and bean dip, and I had a few beers. Whadddya gonna do... it's Easter. Sue me.

Oh, and here's the photo, as promised, of my latest invention - "Bacon-and-egg-slaw". It's delicious! And with only four times the cholesterol of regular coleslaw!

Easter Sunday

I can't write much because it's a beautiful day and I have to go and watch the hunky Jesus competition in Dolores Park, hosted by The Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence, you know, the tranny nuns...

My friend's roommate has entered, and he's hired 2 sheep and a small donkey for his entourage, honestly.

I can't see how he couldn't win. Unless someone else can do that loaves/fishes trick, but with ice cold cans of PBR and beef jerky!

Stay tuned for photos. I took some of my liver and my new invention; bacon-and-egg-slaw. I just can't be bothered uploading them yet.

Note - Confessions of a Running Addict: I was meant to take a rest day today, and ended up running a 48 minute 10k. Woops.

Better Saturday

Much better than yesterday! No hangover in sight. Jesus has cast out the demonic acetaldehyde and I am purged. It's an Eatser miracle!

It's a good thing too, because Emma is coming over today to run 14 miles. It's our long run day, but a short one.

Breakfast:

The ol' classic...

While I'm waiting for Emma I think I'm gonna cook up some livers. I have a pound of them going bad in the fridge.

Oh, and I forgot to mention, my Irish cousin Mary was checking out my ass the other night and said, (I swear this is true):

"Jayzuz Jiames, sure ye've no arse on ye at-all at-all. Ahh, sure I'm fierce ragin... Top 'o the mornin' to ye! Is it yerself that's in it?... umm.. Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum. Eeeedjit!"

Fairly Good Friday, So Far

I woke up this morning with a hangover that would kill any normal man, then, three days later, resurrect him just to kill him again.

"But James, booze is not allowed on the Paleolithic Diet!! That is a moral infarction!!" - you say.

To which I reply: "a localized area of tissue that is dying or dead, having been deprived of its blood supply by embolism or thrombosis?"

To which you reply: "No, sorry, I meant infraction, that was a typo."

To which I reply: "Well, my cousin Mary was in town, and you know how one beer leads to six..."

Apart from those 6 large beers yesterday, I TOTALLY stuck to the Paleo Diet, even when all around me were eating delicious potato pancakes at Süppënküchë. Honest.

So I got up this morning, and as penance, went to hard-out yoga with Erika. I don't think I've ever had such a tough yoga class. I actually started crying at one point. Fortunately no one noticed because the sweat was pouring off me, washing me clean, absolving my sins, and making quite a mess on the floor. Near the end I was so drenched I gave all the Pac Heights MILFs* a thrill and took off my shirt!


*at least the ones who like back hair

Mahi Mahi Mania Hulksters!

Sorry, no nutsack photos today. Instead a chart which clearly displays my level of psychosis!

Note the 2 months immediately preceding the 65 days graphed below were spent in New Zealand, being completely inactive, and constantly eating pavlova and chocolate, and drinking booze.

The red bars indicate yoga classes. A blue arrow indicates the beginning of the PD. You understand, you're not stupid.
Tonight I made Mahi-Mahi because it was the only fish cheaper than Colombian Pure at Molly Stone's. Now my whole place smells like a Mexican Taqueria! [Is there any other kind? - Ed]


In other news, a friend accidentally 'Replied All' (me included) on an email that was gossiping about me today...

I'm soooo relieved people are still gossiping about me! Phew! I was worried I was fading into obscurity...

New Belt Hole

I had to take my belt to the cobbler today, to get a new hole. My jeans keep falling down, even if I wear 5 pairs of undies.


The nice cobbler let me punch it.

As you can see I have lost 1 inch off my waist, dropping from 31 to 30. I don't think I can get any smaller around the waist without bone surgery. These protruding hip-bones make me look like a big fat cow!! (- Anorexia joke)

I'm not sure if anyone cares what I'm eating these days. Basically I'm on repeat cycle. Fruit or eggs for breakfast, salad for lunch, and some kind of meat with steamed veges for dinner. After every work-out I'm eating half a cup of raisins and drinking my Accelerade. Rinse and repeat. Occasionally I have a black coffee or tea.

My diet is supplemented by massive amounts of fruit and nuts. I have a huge pair of nutsacks. 2 pounds each. I might post a photo of them tomorrow.

One is almonds and the other is walnuts.

Today's exercise: Power yoga. 11 mile run.

Haha!

You all thought I wasn't going to post today! Fools! I've been waiting patiently for you all to fall asleep... haha! Fools!

Here is a picture of my dessert; Strawberries and Walnuts! Fuck that's some good shit!

3 Weeks!

I feel pretty weak today... z z z z .... my arms and legs feel so very heavy... z z z z z.... hardcore yoga this morning...

Time to HTFU and go for a run!

---update---

So I totally H'edTFU and ran 10 miles stylin! Last three runs I've just kept feeling better. 36 miles in 48 hours no less. Ow! Who da boom king?

w00t McG00t!

Something is working! The 20 miler last night was the easiest I have EVER done. The longer I ran the better I felt, and I followed it up with a goodish, somewhat relaxed (47 minute (PB 42)) 10k this morning with the esteemed DSE Runners.

The big difference is how I FEEL. At the end of the 20-miler last night I felt light and strong, spritely even! I was bouncing along the Embarcadero!

Same thing today with the 10k. Late power. Burst power. Stamina. Thank you Paleolithic Man! Now I know how you got that wildebeest... you wore him down with your bitchin' negative splits.

I decided to walk home through the park after the race. It's an absolutely belter day out there. When I hit the panhandle my friend (and kite-boarder extraordinaire) Jon happened to see me out his window (he's psychic), so we went for some food. He told me about a great recipe for chicken (updated) and listened to me ramble on about the PD for ages. He actually seemed interested. What a good sport!

---update---

Guest Spot! (from the pen of Jon S, pictured)

Here is a good description of the process, forget the bread salad it’s unpaleo.

The keys are the size of the bird and getting a feel for how your oven behaves, and prep a day in advance, ¾ a teaspoon per pound of bird. I used a 4.5 pounder and a 4 pounder, they worked great, the recipe calls for a little smaller, so go with that.

One tricky part is to get the skin to not stick when you flip the beast, I haven’t perfected that one, I hear a rack in the roasting pan is effective since it raises the bird from the drippings.

I expect a full report, enjoy.

20 Miles Junkin'

---yesterday---

I did a little 5-mile jog last night, because I had nothing to do... even though I have a 20 mile run on my calendar for today... oh momma! I'm scairt!

Then I made some kick-ass turkey burgers. I am turning into quite the chef! I added some finely chopped celery, shrooms and onions to my ground breast, and served over collard greens (thank god they're finished) and sweet potaties. Feast your eyes!

I know what you're thinking: "James, technically the sweet potato is a tuber, and therefore banned on the Paleolithic Diet". You're right, but I thought I'd better carb it up for this run today. The book says I can.

--- today ---

Saturday is huuuuuuuge when you don't go out and get really boozed on Friday night. Huuuuuuge! Why didn't any of you tell me? I got up at 7 and was at the Ferry Building Farmer's Market by 8:45 (I've never been on such a crowded bus in my life - except this one time I rode the bus to Hallowe'en in the Castro and someone lit a doobie and hotboxed the whole bus! Choice! (If you like that sort of thing))

I immediately got a blue-bottle coffee, coz that's what you do, and bought some leeks to ostentatiously stick out of my backpack, and wandered around squeezing and purchasing produce, and looking self-righteous.


When I got back from the Farmer's Market I started cooking! I think I have now perfected my veal liver recipe:

Chop 2 large onions and fricassee or whatever them in some EVOO.

Add 1 or 2 pounds of chopped veal livers, some garlic, some chopped shroomage, and a few splats of Worcester sauce (I know, I know, shut up, it's just a taste)

Put the lid on and go check facebook. When you get back throw some chopped cabbage and carrots in a bowl and splooge some mayo on it. Molest it a bit with a fork and serve:


Booya! The lunch of champeens!

I've already started roasting a huge organic grass-fed shiatsu-masturbated Kobe PORK loin in preparation for tonight's meal. I've also prepared the yams, leeks, broccoli and carrots. I reckon I'll be too pooped to cook after this run!

Now to put my feet up, digest livers, and visualize making it through 20 miles...

---update---

20 miles. 2 hours 50. Negative split. No problem.

Pork Salad Day

Chuuuursday

Having done all my laundry and cleaned my apartment already yesterday, I got up this morning with a gaping void between me and midday yoga. On Thursdays I go to mellow yoga with Allie, who is a total sweetheart and teaches a really gentle, kind, gracious and sincere class. This is because she is all these things.

Usually this is not in keeping with my intense desire to punish myself, but I go to a 'kynd' class once a week to keep up the appearance that not everything I do is based on deep, inherent, self-loathing (it is - but you knew that).

So I decided to spend my morning at The Grove, trying to look single and interesting. (Based on results I managed, at most, one of the two.)

After yoga, because Allie had somehow, by osmosis, convinced me, temporarily, that I'm a nice person, I decided to reward myself with a meal out, at The Crepevine! I ordered an omelet with bacon, avocado, spinach and tomato! Woohoo! I also requested fruit and NO TOAST NOR POTATOES!!

The bastards screwed it up again and tried to tempt me with Satan's Tubers. But as you will see from the following image, I resisted the temptation of Beel-ze-spuds! [Oh yeah! Pun-tastic! - Ed]

In the picture I have ghosted out what I ate of the meal, by overlaying 'before' and 'after' photos. As you can see I left the malevolent murphies to be tossed. Haha! I am strong! Hear me roar!


(And in case you're wondering, yes, it was very hard to eat the fruit and omelet without moving the plate or any potatoes.)

Wenerei

Eleven (11) hours of sleep last night! Booya!

I keep going back to this yoga class (on Tuesdays) I think I hate but I must actually like. The teacher reminds me uncannily of one I got in a bit of a disagreement with 2 yoga studios ago... anyway, she's tough. She's also like a schoolteacher I had when I was 11 who scared the absolute shite out of me, but years later I found out she really loved me and was doing it for my own good. Turned out the sternness was just because she was a sad lonely old bitch.

So, my point was, I went to work and did the yoga I-love-to-hate class again, so I was very tired.

Okay internetians, here's where my blog gets all interactive web 2.0 on your ass. I got my organic farmers box today and I need your help identifying (if you could provide a quick and easy recipe too, that would be great) two (2) of its constituents:



Going clockwise from 12 o'clock: cardboard box, lettuce, onions, strawbs, apples, shrooms, WTF1, WTF2. Any ideas?

Bonus round: Is that really worth $23 or am I paying too much?

---- update ----

Dinner: Steamed overpriced 'collard greens' and steamed overpriced 'chard'. Washed down with PORK.

Chewsday

I was so exhausted after going to see Bonnie Prince Billy (who is in love now, so he kinda sucks) at the Fillmore last night, and then going to Rock n' Roll Trivia night at Minx (which used to be the Red Room, on Sutter) that I plain forgot to have my usual late-night snack.

So this morning I was starving! I leaped out of bed at the ungodly hour of 7am and cooked up an unholy trinity of chicken, eggs, AND steak... yum!


Just kidding!* Suckaz! I go to work on Tuesdays so the steak was for my lunch. See?



I know what you're thinking... "Chicken for breakfast, steak for lunch... which lucky member of the animal kingdom is he going to eat for dinner?"

Okay, I've got a train to catch. No rest for the wicked!

*like I was about not writing in this blog so much

Unbelievable

I wouldn't believe it if I didn't witness it first-hand...

So Emma and I ran 14 miles yesterday, and I went for 2x 4mile walks as well (not for the exercise but... just coz I'm lonely).

This morning I woke up and had 2 oranges for breakfast, about 10 strawberries and a handful of almondalia. Power Yoga at lunchtime, then a smallish bowl of veal livers and onions, and a smallish bowl of coleslaw with avocado and celery.

I just ran 10 miles easy peasy. Like easy peasy like. I was half expecting to fall over dead.

Something has made me way more efficient.

I wonder if it's the Paleolithic Diet?

Okay, so I concede this blog is getting a bit repetitive. Maybe I'll start posting a little less frequently, so hang in there.

Summary Bullets:

• So far I think the Paleolithic Diet is all it's cracked up to be, and more.

• The benefit of immediate consumption of "sugars" (sports drinks, raisins etc) after rigorous exercise cannot be understated! For me at least. It makes a HUGE difference. I think this is really the only time that they're 'good' for you though...
  

No Problemo Muchachos

14 miles on 2 boiled eggs and 2 bananas. No problem.

Okay, so there was a problem, we (Emma and me I mean I) were meant to run 16 but I got too hot and felt funny so I called it at 14. Just for the record, Emma - who I persuaded to run her first marathon in May with me - could have kept going.

Actually it was a beautiful run, incorporating the Presidio, the length of Golden Gate Park (closed to cars on Sundays), Ocean Beach, Land's End, the GG Bridge, Crissy Field, all on a spectacular San Francisco day! What a weekend this has been! (Yesterday I hit the Farmer's Market and Saturday in Dolores Park for the first time.)

Add to that the feeling of extreme self-righteousness I can now enjoy for the rest of the day!

Lunch. Omelet. That's enough eggs for one day. I think tonight for dinner I'm going to have... wait for it.... PORK you porky porksters!

In other news, I have two followers!

Big shout out to Megan and Stephanie for subscribing to my drivel! Woot!

Dinner

Pork it up you porky porksters! Gimme a P! O! R! K! PORK!

Confirmation Affirmation Ratification

I think I've cracked it. I just got back from a my fastest 10-miler of the year! Not only my fastest since I started the PD, but all year. I was flying! I knocked 4 minutes off my previous '09 best. And this was after 90 mins of one of the toughest yoga classes this morning, and both yoga and a 10-miler yesterday.

The only difference? Last night after the run, and this morning after yoga, I immediately pounded one of those sugary electrolytic sports drinks. Then I concentrated on eating high-glycemic foods for the next hour or so. Nothing crazy, just some raisins, fruit, coconut juice.

It's all about recovery. Gotta get the flux capacity back into the muscles immediately after depleting it all, with some liquid sugar.

I'm so happy I could punch an old lady.

WOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOO!

Okay, I Think I Have This Worked Out...

As I mentioned yesterday I have re-evaluated my approach to this diet. I have now re-read, in its entirety, the section on tweaks for athletes.

Turns out you do need to consume carbs, in the form of glucose drinks, and maybe even the odd potato. Horror!

It also turns out that I had read that bit before, but because I am a certified maniac, I ignored it.

So, a more deliberate and mature James has gleaned the following, ordered into 2 (two) bullet points. The logical extension is explained afterward:

• The Paleo Diet is adequate to maintain glycogen (carb) levels in the muscles, if one is not exercising.

• Immediately after exercise your body is much more receptive to carbohydrate restoration, the good kind. Not the turn-it-into-fat kind.

So, here's what this means. You don't so much carbo load as you do carbo compensate. You 'break' the paleo rules during, and immediately after exercise. According to the theory, this is the best way to make sure tomorrow's run goes well.

(Note that I am not talking about wussy exercise, like going for a 'hike' in Marin, or riding your carbon-fiber bike between coffee shops in your spandex. No, I'm talking about real gutbusting exercise, like running until the screaming pain drowns out the screaming demons, or doing yoga until there's a moat of sweat around your mat on the nice hardwood floor. That's right, the tough kind of exercise, the kiwi kind.)

So it's not about eating carbs in advance, it's about filling the hole afterward.

So I wrote up a wee cheat-sheet and pinned it to my fridge. I can and should consume glucose, simple carbs (like potatoes and pasta) within a certain window (of time) after exercise (an hour or two), and then return to the PD proper.

Right, sorted.

My cheat-sheet is posted here.

Oh Sinnerman, Where You Gonna Run To?

I have been procrastinating writing in my blog today, for reasons that will now become apparent.

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.

Last night I allowed rice to pass my lips. Rice and beans. Oh the shame! Oh the excruciating dishonor! It wasn't my fault, I swear, there was nothing I could do. I was helpless before the Devil himself (who took the form of a small Mexican man at Poncho Villa's. - again!). There was an order mix-up and my all-meat and avocado dinner was served with rice and beans on the side.

I was not able to resist temptation, and I fell upon the starchy and leguminous abominations like a pack of rabid wolves. Once the delicious ambrosia of Satan's seeds touched my tongue I was no longer in control of my corporeal being. Positively possessed, I pitched the polysaccharide plagues into my pie-hole until there was nothing but plate.

Coming around from my daze I slowly began to realize the horror of what I had done. I considered inducing vomiting, but that's so passe!

Waking up this morning I knew I was at a critical juncture in my noble paleolithic quest. I reaffirmed my mantra, restated my credo, hardened my resolve, and brushed my teeth.

Then I ate eggs and fruit, went for a punishing yoga class fraught with self-castigation. I considered practicing with broken glass in my undergarments, but demurred on the grounds that I sweat enough on the floor at International Orange without adding blood to the mix.

Lunch was salad. Salad with chicken.

My name is James Flynn and I am back on the Paleolithic Diet.

I was up at 5:30 this morning! Probably because I was fast asleep by 9:30 last night. I was so exhausted! Getting to sleep does not seem to be an issue on the PD. I felt like I'd been tranquilized. However, I did go to work yesterday, and do a hard-core power yoga class with IO's hardest corest yoga teacher. Both were a shock to the system. Combine that with 0 carbs and I am the walking dead.

I'm waiting for it to get a bit nearer to dawn then I'm going to hit the pavement. I think watching the sun rise while running the GGB sounds like a good start to the day.

Breakfast this morning was delicious. I read somewhere that you're better off eating (whole) the stuff you put in a smoothie, so I did that.

1 banana
1 peach
1 cup microwaved strawb's and blueb's
1 boiled egg
1 cup lady grey tea

(this would make a pretty nasty smoothie anyway)

---update---

Okay, so something needs to be done. I couldn't run the 10 miles I had planned. I felt awful. Like I'd been kicked all over by homicidal mules. I managed to scratch out 6 miles and, to my utter humiliation, was overtaken by a milf at the end.

That's 3 consecutive runs where I've felt like crap. So I went back to my book and found this bit, which I had apparently read before... "modification of a strict Paleo Diet is necessary for the serious athlete."

I have decided that 6 hours of yoga a week, and 50 miles running, qualifies me as such.

So, I'm not going to start wolfing carbs or anything, but I'm thinking I'll have some on Saturday night in preparation for the half-marathon (training) run I have planned for Sunday. The book says I can! The book says I should. The book says.

Until then I will keep crawling through the mire.

P.S. Belter lunch! I left a beautiful pork loin to slow cook while I was at yoga, then chopped it up onto a salad with avo, crrt, tom, cuc, grns, lemj, evoo. Washed it down with a disconcertingly straight banana.

Steak Overlord

That was meant to say 'Steak Overload' but I couldn't bring myself to correct the typo.

So last night my cousin Bob, who is a cop in Vallejo, came into the city and took my aunt (Pru), another visiting cousin (Della), and me (James) to Harris (Steakhouse). This couldn't have been more perfect. It's 4 blocks from my house, I was starving, and I had a hankering for steak that just wouldn't quit.

To make a long story short I devoured a 30 oz rare aged porterhouse, half Della's rare filet mignon (with foie gras) (I think this is the best thing I've ever had in my mouth) and about 4 oz of Bob's rib-eye. I reckon, conservatively, I ate my own bodyweight in premium rare aged beef. Infraction alert: I couldn't resist sampling a little of the Cakebread Cellars wine Bob brought along. Just a weenie bit!

I think this rated as one of my all-time greatest all-meat gastronomic experiences.

I also ate some vegetables of little consequence. And I stoically avoided the bread, potatoes, butter and desserts! (Not so hard with half a cow inside you) .

Needless to say I'm feeling a little steak-weary today. Bloodshock? Fatshock? Anyway, this morning I downed a berry/oj smoothie for breakfast and hit the Caltrain down to work.

Feeling great!

"It's Been One Week Since You Looked At Me" - the cheese in my fridge

Actually, I've worked out that if you shred cabbage and sprinkle it on top of your lunch, then squint a bit, and shake your head around, it looks a bit like cheese... see?


And in case you're wondering what my lunch is today, it's the cheapest fattiest ground beef I could find slathered all over green stuff. I call it 'bubble and squeak'.

Actually, one week in and here's what I've learned about the Paleolithic Diet, as applied to yours truly:

Hardest Thing I Didn't Expect: Getting enough calories!! When you can't eat any more than 40% of your calories from protein, and you aren't eating carbs, this presents a problem! I seek the fat! I'm a regular lard-hunter. It's funny at the meat counter looking for the cheapest fattiest cuts and positively salivating over them!

Hard Thing I Did Expect: Thinking of things to make! Not getting bored. I have quickly started to look further afield for recipe ideas. Meat, veges and nuts seems a small palette from which to paint culinary masterpieces. However, I enjoy the challenge, as evidenced by today's luncheon fare.

Thing Wot I Expected To Be Hard That Aint: Not eating dairy and sugar. They're really easy to avoid! Pshh, dairy and sugar, dairy and sugar. You are NOTHING I tell you. For so long you ruled my life with a creamy sweet iron fist... of butter. I can get everything I need without you! Begone you delicious delinquents! Haha!

Thing That I Thought Would Be Easy That IS!: Being totally preachy and self righteous! Yeah! Just like a duck to water!

Sunday Run Day My-Legs-Weigh-A-Ton Day

Wow, that was tough. I don't think I ate enough yesterday, despite my late-night snack of hot sardines with carrot and lettuce all mixed in a bowl... I got up this morning and went to my first DSE Runner's Club Race of the year on an empty stomach. It was a cold and windy 12k. Portentous clouds loomed... and shit.

I felt I was dragging an anchor from the very start, and finished 3 minutes slower than last time. I was even beaten by... *gasp* a slightly overweight person! For shame!

Afterward our club-within-a-club; a sub-group of elite DSE runners breakfasters called the B'Fasts - went for breakfast, because that's what we do. I can safely say I felt no different after eating than I did before. I was still starving and felt like the tank was completely empty. I could hardly muster the energy to talk on the trip to the airport to drop Ra off!

Upon returning home I cooked up a big feed of broccoli and chicken, with onions, zucchini and the ever-present carrots. I'm eating it right now and I can actually feel the life returning to my long-suffering corpus. Phew!

---update---

Turkey burgers over green stuff with a side of 'sparagus. Woot!

Saturday Rest Day

Breakfast is the easiest meal to eat out, for us Paleos. Ra and I took a bus to the Mission and met his friend Bosco for breakfast at Bugaloo's.

Sensational. Omelet with bacon, avo, tomato and shroomage. Ref! Substitution! Home fries OFF, Fresh fruit ON. Play on amigos!


Bosco, Ra and I then walked through the Castro and hit the Academy of Sciences.




When Ra and I got home from all that walking and science, we were famished, so we cooked up a huge feed of coleslaw (with flaxseed oil dressing) and veal calve's livers with onions and mushrooms for Africa. I must say, Ra, who is my uni friend visiting for the weekend, has really embraced the Paleo Diet.

Liver 'n 'slaw: